The Metz family

The Metz family

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Yes, we are still waiting....

Hi friends....
It has been many many months since we have posted an update on our adoption.  No ,we did not fall off the face of the earth and no, we have not stopped hoping and dreaming and waiting for our baby! In these many months, we've gone through many family changes, and many many emotions, but we have never lost hope that we will meet our baby one day soon.
It is now January of 2016 and it has been over 2 years since we started our official journey towards baby.  As of this month, a total of fifteen different birthfamilies have looked at us as a prospective adoptive family....and all fifteen have found a different family for their child.
We have been riding on wave after wave of tempered excitement followed by disapointment once again.
Then 2016 brought our "number sixteen"....and this time we were asked to come meet the birthmother! What joy that we were FINALLY...possibly?...a real option! Dare we hope for.....hope?! This birthmother was a sweet woman who we both enjoyed and found an easy connection with.  I left that meeting with a special love for her in my heart. My prayers were for comfort and clear direction for her as she made this difficult choice.
A few short days later (but it felt like forever), we got the call that the birthmother needed to sort through a few details, but that she planned to place her son with us!
And the breath holding began......dont get too excited, but get prepared.....the baby is coming we have diapers? i dare go look in the baby's room?, not yet.....just in case...should we tell anyone?...should we tell our son?, lets keep it quiet....i CAN'T keep it quiet!
We managed our "cautious excitement" in the best way we could and I found, once again, that my hubby was my earthly rock and the Lord was my true Strength and Sustainer.

Then the phone rang at 10:30pm......"the baby was born last night...."   I almost took what felt like my first breath in weeks!!! Our son??...was our son born last night?!!!  but then....... "the birthmother has decided to parent her son. She has enough support now. I'm sorry."

And then it was over.
Nothing to say.
No goodbye to this sweet birthmom, no getting to see this little boys face....
No way to figure out how to feel, or what to feel, or what to do now.
My first feeling was to be thankful that God answered my prayer- i had asked Him to help this mom to make the right choice. And He did...and she did.
But then i cried.
And i cried hard.....many many tears...but silently...very silent heavy tears.
It's like a grief you feel you aren't allowed to have. Im supposed to be happy for this family. And, truly, I am. But im also so sad.
Though we had no claim to him, I was beginning to turn my long-held love toward this little boy....and now i felt like i lost my "almost-son"......a loss for certain........a miscarriage of sorts...... an emotional miscarriage.......a miscarriage of hope.
A part of my heart feels vacant.

But despite our sadness or disapointment, we do not hope as the rest of the world hopes....we have a great and gentle Father who knows the desire of our hearts. He has great and perfect plans in mind for us.
Has He abandoned us? No!
Has He forgotten us? No!
Does He promise that this will be easy?, He does not. (But we always knew that.)
BUT.... does He promise to sustain us as we regain our strength to move forward again.....YES, YES, YES!
And so, once again, we are clinging to the hope of Jesus and knowing that we can safely rest in His care.
And so, again, we, again, we ask for your prayers for God to give us courage and sustain us as we wait.

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